The last 36 hours...

The last 36 hours have been, you know.  The kind of time where you shake your head and wonder if it's time to head back to bed already.

Yesterday, Aaron's fuel pump went out in his car. 

This morning, Blake greeted me with a complete and utter blow out that was on his pillows, blankets and close to every square inch of him when we were already running behind on the morning.

Aaron just walked in the door.  Why is that bad?  He was supposed to be reffing a tournament volleyball game tonight and had to pull over a couple of times to throw up.  He called the state and said he couldn't make it.  Aaron is currently asleep upstairs. 

Finally, and most importantly, I got a call from my dad that my Grandma Hunecke isn't doing well.  Despite being on oxygen, she is struggling for every breath.  If you could could send some prayers our family's way, that would be much appreciated.

Perspective.  Sometimes I need it more than others.  A fuel pump can be fixed.  You can get over being sick.  The precious gift of a life well lived?  That will most definitely be harder. 

The best of intentions...

Do you ever think, I'm going to go to bed early tonite because I'm exhausted and really want some extra sleep?  I did that exact thing last nite.  Aaron was reffing and I stayed up long enough to talk to him on the phone and I tried to read my book and stay up to wait for him, but my eyelids had other plans.

I get up at 4:25 AM four to five days a week to workout.  I love the early mornings!  I have a great group that makes me want to get up and go hang out with for an hour.  That being said, holy cow is it hard to stay up during the week.  As in, 9:30 PM is late for me.  I feel bad when people text me a question at about that time and I don't respond because I'm sound asleep.  I'm just not a night owl.  I like to get up and attack the day (or that's what I tell myself anyway!).

Anyway, back to last nite.  I went to bed early, like I had planned and all was going well until 3 AM when Blake's feeding machine ran out of feeds because neither Aaron or myself had gotten up to take kids to the bathroom and refill it.  Aaron stayed asleep (I have to give him credit, he usually does the kiddo night duty) and I took all three boys to the bathroom.  I got the feeding machine ready to go once again and snuggled back into bed.

Then, it was like Mr. Blake thought that it was morning, despite the fact that it was clearly dark out.  That kid needed the closet light on.  He wanted a different blanket.  He took it upon himself to go to the bathroom by himself and stomped his way back upstairs.  He did something that made his feeding machine beep again.  Aaron and I were calm at first, but you sleep deprived parents out there know how it gets.  You get to the end of the rope and end up saying things like, "For the love of God can you please just go to sleep?!"  And then you add an ultimatum, " If you don't you're not going to be able to go to the apple orchard for school tomorrow because you're going to be napping."  Cue Blake's tears and there you have it, he was back to sleep.

Not my proudest parenting moment, but considering I wasn't able to sleep much between 3 and 6 AM, I'm not feeling that bad about it.  I did sleep like a rock from 6-6:30 AM and had to deal with my burning eyeballs all day.  That's Jamie code for - you're tired woman, go sleep already!!

Sometimes the best of intentions just don't work out.  It's 7:58 PM as I'm finishing this up.  I have plans to be in bed by 8:45 PM and I'm not even a bit embarrassed to tell you that.  Maybe the second time will be the charm.  Sweet dreams...

Everybody has a story

Today I had to run to the library to take a picture and while I was there I looked around a bit, like I always do.  I am a big fan of libraries and could spend hours there if you let me.  Anyway, I was looking at the papers and there was a little book sitting there and on the cover it said something about words being powerful.  I can't exactly remember.

Needless to say, I was intrigued.  I opened the book and there were a couple of things that people had written down.  One of the sentences was this, "There is no one in the world you couldn't love, if you could only read their story."  Think about that.  I just thought, whoa.  That is so good.  So powerful.  So true.

As the editor at a small town newspaper, I always say that the best part of my job is the people that I get to meet.  As cliche as it sounds, everybody has a story.  I remember some of my favorite stories - a business woman who became goat farmer, a story of two sisters that battled cancer, a foreign exchange student from China, etc, etc, etc.  I LOVE to hear people's stories.  I like to know what makes them tick.

I think sometimes, because of human nature being the way it is, we are too judgmental.  I can admit that I am.  I think something or say something and think, why did I say that? Why do I think that?  I don't even know that person.  UGH!  It's a work in progress.

Everybody has things going on that people don't know about it.  Everybody has inner battles.  Everybody has things that make them the way they are.  If we truly knew these things, do you think we would be more understanding?  Compassionate?  Forgiving?  I think it would be a safe bet that we would.

FRIDAY!

It's Friday!  Woo-Hoo!  I'm not sure why I'm overly excited about that.  Maybe it's the sun.  It's probably that and the warmth and the fact I busted out a tank top today!  Ahhh...it's the little things in life isn't it?!  Ready for consistently warm weather.

Look at that print below.  Doesn't it just make you happy?  All that color!  And it's such a good message.

 

I have a lot going on in this brain of mine right now, but I refuse to get stressed out.  So much of life is stuff we can't control and it does nothing but send our blood pressure skyrocketing when we stress out about it.  You know me, I am a big believer in things working out the way they are supposed and at the time they are supposed to. 

 Life is about positivity!  The belief that good things happen!  I've been thinking about new ideas lately.  Swirling them around in my mind and wondering if I can make things happen and be successful at it.  I'm pretty sure I can do anything I set my mind to. 

In the meantime, we have a pretty low-key weekend around these parts.  Aaron has a boat load of homework for his Master's classes.  It's prom so I need to snap a couple of photos for next week's paper.  We have a dance marathon picnic.  Good stuff like that. 

Oh...and I may also see if I can sneak in time to make a pan of these bad boys.  Oreos AND m&m's?!  Be still my heart.  (Link for recipe below)

 

lhttp://www.averiecooks.com/2013/09/loaded-mm-oreo-cookie-bars.html

HAPPY WEEKEND FRIENDS!

The way I see it...

FLAWS

I have so many flaws.  There probably isn’t enough space
to list them all.  One of those flaws is something I know I
do, but I just can’t get past.  It makes me crazy.

I have a problem letting things go.  Have you seen the
movie, “Frozen?”  That part where Elsa sings at the top
of her lungs, “Let it go, let it go...”  Yep, I need to
do that.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m a female or because
I’m Jamie, but it is just hard for me.  Subconsciously, I
tell myself that whatever it is is not a big deal and it was
out of my control and therefore shouldn’t get under 

my skin.

And then there’s the other side of my brain that says,
“But, but, but... wait a second that person/place/thing
did something that really upset you and you shouldn’t
forget that!”  So, my internal struggle continues.  What
my mind tells me to do versus what my heart feels.

You know that my motto for so many things is, “Is this a
big deal in the scheme of life?”  Ninety-nine percent of
the time the answer to that question is no.  Sometimes that
calms me and after a few deep breaths I’m good to go.
Sometimes that doesn’t work.

Another Jamie-ism?  I’m too emotional.  I’m not
calling it a flaw, but I am overly-emotional about pretty
much everything.  Whether it be losing my patience too
quickly or crying too easily.

I’m not going to apologize for being overly-emotional and
having a big heart though.  I care about people.  I
genuinely do.  My family.  My friends.  Kids I meet in
the hospital.  People I observe at the store, the library,
the playground.  I am a people watcher by nature and I
always wonder what people’s stories are.  When we were
stuck at the airport in Orland for a three hour layover?
That was kind of awesome because I just people-watched.

I see a commercial and I cry.  I read a book and I cry.
My kids say something that pulls on the heart strings and I
blink back tears. Is it so wrong to care about people?  Is
it wrong to be emotional?  Is it wrong to (flaws and all)
try to be the best person you can be to others?  To be kind
to others?  Even when it’s hard?  Especially when it’s
hard!

I grew-up with parents that were teachers and then a dad
that was a high school principal and it was HARD. I’ve
told you that before.  Kids were mean.  But it was always
ingrained in my head to do the “politically correct”
thing and put a smile on your face and be polite.  Even
when all of your emotions are telling you otherwise.

To this day, that lesson stays with me.  There are times
(especially lately) when I just want to say what’s really
on my mind and not grin and bear it.  But, I don’t.
Because I care about people even if they don’t in
return.

Ok, I just re-read that and it sounds like I am all-types of
an emotional rollercoaster lately and that would be the
truth.  I’m not always rainbows and unicorns.  Somedays
are just hard.  Some weeks are hard.  This too shall
pass.

Anyway, if you are still reading this (thank you!).  Let's 

remember that everything happens for a reason and some

things are just blessings in disguise, but that's just the way

I see it. 

P.S.  I'm starting to work on a my Disney posts, so happy pics and all that awesomeness coming soon!

In a funk...

"Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say.  It's the one and only thing you have to offer." --Barbara Kingsolver

 Are you ever in a bit of a funk?  Do you ever have a bad day/week/month where you can't seem to shake that feeling?  It may not be an incredibly horrible feeling, but something is lurking there in the back of your mind and you just can't shake it.  It's keeping you from being your regular old self?

 I felt like that today.  A few things on my mind.  Nothing life and death, but still enough to put me in a mood.  You know in the back of your mind that it will be ok and yet...it still gets you. 

 Let me ask you something...do you think there's any worse feeling in the world than to see somebody that you care about go through something that you can do absolutely nothing about?  You see that person upset and you sit there feeling helpless.  What do you do?  What do you say?  I hate when things are completely out of our control. 

 I guess you just be there for support, right?  I can't really think of anything else to do.  It doesn't make it any easier though.

 I'm a worrywart.  I try not to be, because how often do I worry about things that never even happen?  Right.  Probably a lot. 

 Sometimes I feel like it's so hard to trust the plan.  God's plan for this life of mine.  Of ours.  I want to know what's going to happen, but things aren't on our time.  I know that, but I'm still not patient. 

Someday it will all make sense.  It just doesn't right now. 

 I'm so lucky to have the hubby that I do.  The calm to my crazy, as I always say.  He's always telling me to relax.  That things will work out.  That everything will be ok.  And, he's always right. 

 My favorite part of getting snow are those hours or day(s) immediately following where everything is white and pretty.  And, when you got about a foot like we did, it just feels extra pretty to look at right now. 

 All day I had this nagging feeling that I should go take some pictures outside.  I kept thinking, "Gosh, it's pretty out here," when I was playing with the twins this afternoon. 

 When the kiddos got home from school and Aaron left to ref, I grabbed the camera and went outside and just walked around our block.  I'm so glad I did.  It was what I needed. 

 I felt like it was my reminder to stop.  Take a deep breath.  Look around.  Appreciate it. 

So here's to tomorrow being a new day.  With new possibilities.  And less funk, of course. ;)

34.

My birthday was August 20th.  I felt like it was a big deal.  I turned 34 and if you're wondering why that number is significant, I guess it's not really, but all the "other stuff" made it so. 

When I got to thinking about my 33rd year, that's where the significance came in.  Year 33 was without a doubt the hardest year of my life, in so many different aspects.  The obvious answer is everything we went through with Blake.  I spent almost five months living at the hospital. Living away from my husband and three other kids.  I experienced the scary day.  A kidney transplant.  Infection after infection.  Christmas at the hospital.  The emotional roller coaster that is having a child living with kidney disease.  Things had never been as hard with Blake as they were in my 33rd year.

But, at the same time, things had never been as joyful either.  Blake, my little fighter, triumphing again and again.  I have concluded that sometimes things are so hard you don't know how you can possibly make it another day, another hour.  Especially when you're in the midst of things and feel like you are emotionally spent and just want to cry and throw in the towel.  Now, at 34, after a few good months, I can say I truly appreciate each and every day I get at home with our family all together at home.  I have a grateful heart.

It's ok that I have to argue with Brody about getting out of bed for school.  Or that I had one twin poop in the sandbox yesterday and another in his pants.  It's ok that Jenna and I butt heads almost daily because we are too much alike.  Or that I have nights where I have to catch-up on 13 loads of laundry because I just haven't had time to fold it.  You know what?  Because of everything, I'm just lucky to be home to deal with the chaos that is my life.

Also in my 33rd year, was that I ran my very first half marathon.  13.1 miles.  Then, I did it again a few months later.  Two half marathons.  I never ever ever would have thought I would say that I did that.  It was hard.  It took an incredible amount of dedication to training and time and having a supportive husband to get it done.  I just felt so determined to prove to myself that I could do it.  And I'm nothing if not competitive with myself!

I learned that I am so much stronger than I ever could have imagined.  I learned that I am more determined than I could have ever imagined. I learned that I'm tougher than I could have ever imagined.  I learned that I am braver that I could have ever imagined.

So, I say bring it on 34.  I'm ready for you.  I think you're off to a great start and can't wait to see what you have in store!

A new Blake plan

Last Thursday Blake had three appointments in Iowa City.  It was quite the day!  Seven hours stuck in clinic and entertaining two three year old twins.  

 

The day started with good lab results, which is always such a good feeling!  I let out a huge sigh of relief on that one.  Our nephrologist was happy with Blake’s current state and how well he is doing.  He even went up three percentiles for heighth over the last month!  

 

Next up was a pediatric cardiology consult.  Blake has to have a yearly echocardiogram (ECHO) on his heart.  Standard kidney disease procedure.  Apparently there were two bright spots on his heart and our kidney doctor wanted to be sure they talked to us.  I was assuming since we didn’t hear from them immediately, it wasn’t a huge concern.

 

We waited an hour in that little room for the doctor to come in.  Why were they late?  Well, because they have never seen anything like this before and were researching articles.  I’m not even kidding.  Apparently, these things are prevalent in people who have had transplants.  They aren’t concerned that they are tumors or anything super terrible.  They think it could be some inflammation or some calcification or something.  They were quick to assure me that his heart function is great.  They would like to do an MRI just to get a better look at things, which requires sedation, something I’m never a fan of.  It’s looking like this may possibly happen at the end of September. 

 

Having fun with a flashlight waiting for the peds cardiologist. 

 

Next up, the one appointment I had been anxiously awaiting - urology.  Urology and the big try of getting a catheter in.  Our urologist got the catheter ready and then without trying said that thing was never going in.  My heart sank.  

 

She sat down and if there’s one thing I appreciate about our urologist, Dr. Kieran, she’s always straightforward and you never have to guess what she is thinking.  This is what she said, “Blake is not supposed to be able to pee like a regular kid.  I have never seen anything like this before.  I have never reconstructed a bladder like this and had someone be able to go the regular way.  I’m wondering if we could just go with it.  His labs have been good for two weeks and I’m tempted to do a couple tests, but then just let him be.  I will talk to nephrology and see if I can get them on board.”

 

I was speechless.  For the second time that day, I was hearing we have never seen anything like this before.  For better or worse, I had two different doctors say the same thing about Blake.  When has Blake ever fit the mold?  Never ever. 

 

I just got an email from urology this morning that said everybody is on board with watching things the way they are now.  They are going to run a couple of tests (urodynamics and cystoscopy) in which Blake will have to be sedated that will look at his bladder and also test the pressure inside his bladder among other things.  

 

I  have to admit I cried on my way to get coffee as we headed out of Iowa City.  I was all like, “Why can’t this just be straightforward?  Why is there no black and white with this kid?  Why is it always gray area?”  There I was waiting on doctors to weigh in with their opinions once again and wait for the plan.  

Then I thought some more about it and thought, because it’s Blake.  He does things his way.  He defies the odds.  He always has. You tell him what he’s supposed to do and he will just go and do it his way and prove you wrong.  That’s what this little ball of energy and fire in that three year old body does.  And, wouldn’t it be the best, best, best if all these tests checked out and he could indeed use the bathroom like a regular kid?  Normalcy.  That’s what that would be and that has always been our wish for Blake, to live as normal life as possible despite everything, but that’s just the way I see it.  

Seven things...

1. I found the easiest recipe for simple ice cream!  Two ingredients.  Plus, whatever you want to add to it.  We did an oreo-butterfinger last week that was AMAZING.  For full directions you can click here.

 2. We went to the Iowa State Fair. Again!  I love it, I really do.  Saturday we met my dad and Linda there for round two.

 My Wisconsin born/Minnesota grown father was in heaven in the DNR building pointing out all the different kinds of fish to Jenna and Brody.

 3. I made some wall art for my office.  I like to get crafty, but I usually just don't have the time.  I bought this big canvas at Hobby Lobby and then we painted it.

 

After the paint dried, I cut out letters from the newspaper (because I work at the newspaper, get it?!  I'm clever like that. :)) I then modge-podged the letters on. 

 And the finished product looks like this!  I'm pretty happy about it.  I picked this quote because it pertains to a lot of things in my life, including taking the leap to be the editor at the paper, where I learned of my love for writing!

 4. School starts tomorrow.  I'm excited and sad.  Sad because it will be quiet around our house without Aaron, Jenna and Brody here.  Excited because I know that all three of them are ready for the new year and challenges it brings.

5. To go with number four, it's time to say good-bye to the summer list. :(  We didn't do too bad.  We missed a few things, but had a lot of fun, too!

6. This weekend we are participating in a 5K down by Iowa City.  It's to raise awareness for organ and tissue donation.  The guy who started the run actually needed a kidney and received one from his mom.  This race is like a tribute to her.  Pretty cool, huh?!  Also, our potential donor, Steph, will be there running her very first 5K!!!  We are so excited for her! :)

7.  Tomorrow is my 33rd birthday!  For the big day (ok, it's not really big since everybody will be at school, but anyway...) I'm going to run 3.3 miles.

I'm excited to see what year number 33 will bring.  I'm never one to dread my birthday.  I feel like we should be thankful that we are here for another year.  I always remember this..."Do not regret getting older. It is a privilege denied to many." 

Also, if I have to pick a motto for this year, I think it might be this:

The Others.

I know I dedicate a lot of time on this blog to Blake because of his medical condition.  It's just an easy way to pass along information to people without having to repeat myself 100 times. :)  There's something that is always on the forefront of my mind though - the others.  Jenna.  Brody.  Bowen.  I think about, almost on a daily basis, how Blake's situation affects them.

Take this example from this morning:  I was in taking a quick shower and heard Brody running from the kitchen to the living room yelling, "Blake's going to puke!" Don't be alarmed.  Kidney kids puke a lot.  I quickly finished and walked into the living room to find Brody holding a towel under Blake's chin (like he has seen Aaron and me do a million times) and saying, "It's going to be ok, Blakers.  It's going to be ok."

I could instantly feel the lump in my throat.  I felt two things mainly, as I tend to in situations like this.  1.  I felt proud of how the others (especially Jenna and Brody) handle Blake.  They are growing up so fast and are just so caring and helpful.  2.  I felt sad that this is normal to them and they probably don't even think anything of it.

I feel like Jenna and Brody understand for the most part what's going on.  We don't hide things from them and have always been honest.  But I wonder about Bowen.  What does he think when he sees his twin brother get a shot?  Or his blood pressure taken?  Or hooked-up to a dialysis machine?  Here's what I do know.  Bowen understands things like we do Blake's BP and temperature every night.  It is Bowen's job to turn on the blood pressure machine and then push the button when I tell him to.  It's also his job to hand me the thermometer.   That's his "job"  and he does it.

Aaron said to me that he thinks because we handles things in a positive manner, that our kids will follow our lead.  Does Blake's situation suck?  Yes.  Can we do anything right now to change it?  No.  We cannot stress about things that are out of our control.  Blake being born with kidney disease is one of those things.  It is what it is.  How we choose to handle it is our CHOICE.  We choose to make the best of it for us.  For Blake.  For Jenna. For Brody. For Bowen.

One more example:  The kids saw a lady walking around town who has a very pronounced limp.  They asked why she was limping and I just told them that she maybe has a bad hip or leg.  And I followed it up with, 'you know, just like Blake has a bad kidney." They responded with, "Oh, ok."  They said it like they immediately understood.

I have to believe in my heart of hearts that all four of my kiddos will be better people because of this.  I hope that they are filled with kindness.  And compassion.  And an openness for people that aren't the same as everybody else.  But mainly, a loving and caring heart. 

If you're still reading this, thank you for letting me ramble.  I needed to put these thoughts down today.  Sometimes my heart just needs to vent... :)

The strangest day...

I had the strangest day today. Seriously, the person I met was unlike any person I have ever met before. The willingness he showed to share things with himself was crazy to me. Now, I consider myself an open person, but I realized today that I do indeed have a tolerance for how much information people should share with me.

Sometimes I feel as though I wear a sign that says, "Share all your stories with Jamie!" Honest to goodness, sometimes people just say things to me and I just shake my head...

I'm sure this post makes no sense to you all, but I just had to write down my feelings after the weird day I had. Thanks for bearing with me. And remember, there is such a thing as too much information!!