On Friday night, the four kids and I were uptown at our Old-Fashioned Christmas on Main celebration. I kept flashing back. If I'm being honest, since his kidney-versary, I had been thinking about this time. Weeks prior. Days prior. And on Friday, I couldn't really get it out of my mind that a year ago, we experienced the scariest day ever.
A year ago, on that Friday night, I was driving to Iowa City with Blake after being told that his white blood cell count was 1.8 and he could be septic. I didn't even really know what that meant at the time. From being admitted to 3J (the regular floor) to being told we had to move to the PICU because Blake's conditioning was worsening.
It's really all a blur. The PICU doctor telling me he needed to be intubated and sedated. Calling Aaron and making the doctor talk to him. Aaron coming down immediately. Staring at that damn monitor. Willing his heart rate to go down. Willing his blood pressure to go up. How ashen and gray Blake looked. Being told they needed to do a procedure, but they were only moving him two doors down because he was too fragile.
I honestly think we didn't know how bad it was, that we may actually lose our child, until Aaron looked at the doctor and said, "This is really bad isn't it?" And her reply, "I honestly don't know if he's going to make it."
Punched in the gut. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. And all I could think about was the other three kids and how we would possibly tell them. The tears in our doctors and nurses eyes. Time standing still. Waiting, waiting, waiting...Pleading with God to not take our baby away from us. Pleading with Blake to keep fighting.
Finally, we heard they opened up Blake's abdomen and his blood pressure started to slowly go up. This is what Blake looked like when we saw him. Now, he looks just awful, but he looked so much better at the time. It was the best sight I had ever seen.
Sometimes out of the blue I think about that day, about how it could have gone and I just tear-up. Those are the times Blake gets hugged on and kissed on extra. :)