The Not Knowing
I don’t think I’ve every felt more conflicted by my emotions than I am at this particular time in my life. I realize that’s probably a normal thing, giving everything my family and I are going through, but it’s kind of mentally and emotionally exhausting.
Do you ever have the problem when you can’t make your brain just stop? The thoughts keep popping in and out, in and out. They distract me during the day and when I try to sleep at night.
The thing is, as unorganized as I sometimes am; I really am a planner at heart. I like to know by the middle of the week what I’m doing on the weekends. If I’m meeting family, I like to know when everybody’s going to be there and what the plans are. I can’t help it, it’s just how I am.
This whole pregnancy is the exact opposite of what my personality is generally like. I can’t plan anything. I don’t know that I’m going to make it full-term with these babies (38 weeks). I don’t know if Baby A is going to be ok, even though I constantly think happy, positive thoughts and pray for the best. I don’t know how long one or both of them may have to stay in the hospital. I don’t know how long I’m going to take to recover.
Then there’s all those feelings about this being the last time I’m going to be pregnant and the last time I get kicked in the ribs by the little stinkers or get to watch my belly look like it’s full of jumping beans as it moves around in a crazy manner. As of my last appointment, they want me to make it to 37 weeks (April 8th or so). I will be 34 weeks this Friday and 37 weeks feels like a long way away at this point. I know, it’s not really in the scheme of things, but it feels that way. I know I need to keep these babies in there as long as I can so they can continue to grow and develop. At the same time, I’m ready to meet the little guys. So, I’m anxious and yet sad that it’s almost over all at the same time.
Do I tend to over think things? Um…yes! Like I said, it’s just my nature. I know what’s going to happen is going to happen and I just need to take a deep breath and actually remember that once in a while.
Things are going well at home though. I actually think we’re sort of, kind of ready. As we have with our past two kiddos, I’m sure we’ll think of about 52 things we’ll need while at the hospital, but that’s probably normal (or normal for us).
At work, things are coming along slowly but surely. Chris and I are working on some stories for when I’m gone that we think you’ll enjoy about a wide range of topics.
I have three quotes that I’ve used as my thoughts of the week that keep my going. The first: “A strong positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.” The second, “Hope costs nothing.” And finally, “When nothing is sure, anything is possible.” But that’s just the way I see it.